


They Should Put These In The Anime

by pleasejustno



Category: Gintama
Genre: don't bother looking for common sense here, is the gintama fandom even big on ao3, tags will not be able to convey the mess of chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4241622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasejustno/pseuds/pleasejustno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>its_a_waste_of_time_to_worry_about_the_context_of_this_anime.jpg</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Should Put These In The Anime

**Author's Note:**

> ayyy

"The land of the samurai. It's been quite a while since our country has been called that. The skies that were once so clear and blue now play host to giant ships of alien origin. Where once the samurai walked the streets as the masters of their domain, now these extra- AGH!"

Shinpachi flies across the room, and Kagura lowers her foot.

"Shut up, Four-Eyes," she scolds, and goes to sit back down on the couch opposite Gintoki, who's lying down reading his Jump.

"Gin-san! Please tell Kagura-chan to restrain from violence!" Shinpachi cries, sitting up and fixing his crooked glasses.

Gintoki lets his Jump drop onto his face and snores loudly.

"Don't pretend you didn't hear me!"

"Shinpachi, do you want another free trip across the room?" Kagura threatens as she wolfs down a bowl of rice.

"This is hopeless! The story will never start this way! It's a mess!"

"Shinpachi, stop screaming in the middle of the day. It's hot and you're making it worse," Gintoki grunts, lifting his Jump off his face to glare sleepily at Shinpachi. "Anyway, the story will start now."

 

* * *

 

...

"I said the story will start now!"

 

* * *

 

It is another regular day at the Yorozuya. Regular meaning a morning of doing nothing of value, and an afternoon wasted on reading Jump, drinking strawberry milk, eating sukonbu...and that's all right?

"Hey, don't forget about me," Shinpachi grumbles.

And Shimura Shinpachi cleaning up the place.

"I am the only character in the Yorozuya to be doing anything of value and importance," he says as a matter of fact.

"Don't be so conceited," Kagura says loudly, "I do a lot of work around the house, too!"

"Cleaning up Sadaharu's poop doesn't count."

Gintoki wiggles his little finger around in his nostril. "Don't be going about making this girl angry, Shinpachi."

"Gin-san, you said the story would start several lines ago."

"Did I? The story's already started. It's the plot of this chapter that hasn't appeared yet."

Shinpachi gives him an I-can't-deal-with-everything-now look. "When will the plot appear?"

Flicking his booger away, Gintoki hums. "Who knows? The writer doesn't know how to insert the plot at this point anymore."

"Well, they still have to, someho-"

 

* * *

 

"Aaaaah, I'm hungry," Gintoki complains the next morning, rubbing a hand over his grumbling belly. "Shinpachi, what's for breakfast?"

"Am I your wife?!" Shinpachi screeches, and composes himself. "Nothing's for breakfast. There's no money to buy any food. And there's something of bigger importance I'd like to talk about today," he says seriously.

"Hm? What is it?"

"Yesterday, didn't the writer just cut me off and start with this new scene?"

Gintoki ignores him. "Aaaah, I'm so," and he drags out the vowel, "Hungry."

"Don't ignore me!"

"You said the same thing yesterday. Please try and be original, Shinpachi-kun, or else the readers will complain." Gintoki lies down. "If you're not going to cook, then ask Kagura to cook. Where is Kagura?"

"It was worded differently yesterday, Gin-san. And Kagura's still asleep. There's nothing to cook anyway."

The closet door slides open with a  _bang!_ and Kagura walks out, yawning, swaying on her feet. "Not even," she yawns again and hiccups, "Rice?"

"There's only rice," Shinpachi sighs.

"Then get to cooking it!" Gintoki sits up and turns on the television to watch the weather report (to see Ketsuno Ana).

 

* * *

 

Half an hour later, the three Yorozuya members sit around the table, deathly quiet as they stare at the bowls of rice before them.

Gintoki is the first to break the silence. "This is sad."

Kagura nods. "Sadder than what I used to eat back at my home planet."

Sadaharu yips in agreement.

"Maa, it's better than nothing," Shinpachi shrugs, and picks up his chopsticks.

"Hey, Kagura, didn't you say you bought some sort of sauce the other day? What was it, shampoo?" Gintoki asks.

"That's right! I bought edible shampoo the other day!" Kagura says excitedly.

Shinpachi's face greys. "That doesn't sound right."

"Where is it, where is it?" 

"In the kitchen!" Kagura immediately stands and runs to the kitchen.

"Who keeps shampoo in the kitchen?" Shinpachi mutters to himself.

Kagura comes back with a shockingly blue bottle, and sets it on the table proudly. "Factory manager Kagura saves the day once again!" she announces.

Shinpachi squints at the bottle. Part of the label is torn, and on the remaining part of it reads:  _edible Shampoo._

Gintoki is patting Kagura on the head and complimenting her as Shinpachi reads the back of the bottle.

_Guaranteed to make naturally-permed hair straight, naturally! Do not ingest._

"Er, no matter how I look at it, it's just not edible," Shinpachi tries to reason.

"What makes you say that?" Gintoki questions him.

"It says right here on the back: do not ingest."

Kagura snatches the bottle out of his hands. "You don't have to eat it with us, Shinpachi."

"Shinpachi," Gintoki turns to him and speaks in a serious tone, "In life, we don't read the back labels. Only the front. The back labels exist to deceive."

A bead of sweat forms on Shinpachi's temple. "It's the other way round, Gin-san."

"Itadakimasu!" Gintoki and Kagura take turns pouring the liquid (that comes out the same toxic blue as the bottle is) over their rice.

"Hey! Were you guys even listening to me! Gin-san! Kagura-chan!"

"Shut up! You're annoying me!" Gintoki yells back at him, lifting a bite of the rice and blue liquid into his hungry mouth and promptly spitting it back out as a missile of some sort. "Ack!"

Kagura's chewing enthusiastically, but the expression on her face says anything but enjoyment.

"Gin-san..."

"Eat up, Shinpachi! It's good, it really is! Delicious! Scrumptious!" Gintoki tries to smile at him, and attempts to swallow down another mouthful of his shampoo and rice.

"Stop lying. Are you really desperate to suffer this way just because it says it can straighten your perm?"

Gintoki laughs, and chokes. "Of course not, it's just that we have nothing else to eat our rice with, and this shampoo is edible. I'm not eating this because I believe it'll give me straight hair, pfft, no. There's sukonbu, but do you really think this monster here," he points his chopsticks at Kagura, "Will let us eat her precious stash? The answer is no, so we'll have to make do with this edible shampoo. Just so happens that it claims to straighten perms, ahaha!"

"Sukonbu with rice would be disgusting!" Kagura butts in on the conversation, her enthusiastic eating being paused to drink a cup of water.

"This is more disgusting," Shinpachi stares fearfully at their rice. His own rice bowl is free from the toxic 'sauce'.

"Is your sister's egg dishes or this more disgusting?" Gintoki challenges him.

Shinpachi goes stone-cold and breaks out in a cold sweat. Faced with the sudden conflict of thoughts, he yells. "My sister's egg dishes!" He grabs the shampoo bottle almost maniacally and squeezes the liquid all over his rice. Immediately, he starts shoveling his rice into his mouth as tears run down his face.

"That's the spirit," Gintoki smiles at him, before spitting out another mouthful of blue rice.

 

* * *

 

That evening, Otose and Catherine come out to the wailing of an ambulance.

They watch as the three Yorozuya members are piled onto a stretcher and moved into the vehicle, their faces sallow and their bodies limp.

"Look, there they go again, on another family trip to the ER," Otose observes, taking a drag of her cigarette.

 

* * *

 

The missing part of the label on the shampoo bottle lies in a dusty corner of the Yorozuya headquarter's living room.

On it is written  _Incr_ , and had the label been in one complete piece, the shampoo bottle would have read  _Incredible Shampoo_.

On the back, the same warnings would have still been applied, the most important one being  _Do not ingest_.

In the end, it wasn't edible shampoo, after all. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> lmao
> 
> i fucking managed to put in the plot amidst all the bullshit.


End file.
